Today has, for the past 13 years at least, historically been one of the worst days of the year for me. By now, you all know my familiar recollections of it.

One defiantly standing structure, belching out thick smoke as it struggles to maintain aside its fallen twin till it to succumbs to inevitable…unbelievable pressures and gives way, carving a deep scar in the ground, the skyline, but most of all, the heart.

The next day, another dark smoky scar across an otherwise picturesque orange early morning sky.

The smell. The deep, toxic smell of chaos, of destruction…of loss. Loss to unbearable to comprehend, even now, more then a decade gone.

The flyers, the missing flyers, begging for word on a loved one, any word. I remember them still to this day, especially the ones written by children. “Mommy, please come home.”, “Daddy, we miss and love you.” It shatters you…at least it shattered me. Every year, I cry.

I cry because the day is gut wrenching at times. It is also hellish at times, but in the end, at nightfall, twin beams of light grace the skyline as if to say, “we’re still here, we are the light that will guide you through the darkness.”

Darkness is something I know all to well about these past few months. It is where I’ve lived, where my mind has been trapped, and it is with this writing I hope to find some sort of a catharsis.

For a long while now, I’ve been battling a deep demon. Depression. Its not as glamorous as the news makes it out to be, and its not as easy a fix as, “cheer up, things will get better, other people have it worse.” In fact, that line, when not instilling anger, does nothing but make me feel even more worthless then how I already feel.

Do you know what it is like to be alone with your thoughts most days, feeling so worthless that you can’t even sleep in your own bed because your mind tells you, “beds are for winners, people who have jobs, money, a happy love life and no debt”? That’s how I feel a lot of days. Nights…even more so. Sometimes my mind is filled with memories of all I’ve lost. Those days are the toughest.

Its even worse when you try to reach out to people and get nothing in return…all of them too busy with their lives to reach back, until it conveniences them, or even worse, forget you altogether. A reminder of how good others have it, while I struggle to get a callback on even a meager job.

It feels wasteful to have spent 11 plus years training for something, something you love and are good at…and then have to settle for a job that is soul-crushing. Its actually worse then wasteful. Its downright tragic. Even more tragic is to again, be me with silence in return.

Whats even more terrifying still, is to be facing a health battle with which there is no clear answer. To go through a battery of analysis and still not have a path of which to go down.

It all…all of it, leads the mind to wander to darker places, irrational places, stupid places that you know are not going to right the ship. Still, the mind will wobble that way, albeit briefly. Then you kick yourself, curse yourself for even thinking of going there, and are left still standing, maybe smarter, but with even less hope of finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

You fill your mind with false hopes. “Maybe you’ll get that job.”, “Maybe today will be the day you take the most important picture of all time.”, “Maybe today she will call you back.”, “Maybe its just a pinched nerve.” False hope, some say is better then no hope. I can tell you that’s a load of crap.

So where does that lead me? I simply don’t know. I suppose I will continue to run toward the light like the damned fool I always have been, and always will be, because I like false hope. I don’t like being like this…I want to be happy again. I like the challenge. Its that New Yorker type of thing, to be met with unbeatable circumstances, and simply say, “No. Fuhgeddabdit.”

What we once were.

sheldony:

"It’s hard to imagine unstoppable energy stopped. - Meryl Streep

I Did A Thing.

(Source: missmegrose)

My friend and co-host Julie and her daughter are in serious dire straights. They need money to keep their house, and to prevent the onset of homelessness. I’ve seen Tumblr fund a fan-convention that, by most accounts, went horribly, so why not fund something that is actually important. Be all you can be.

gunsequalrightsandfreedom:

I’ve heard Tumblr is great at making things happen. Share the fuck out of this.

My friend and Ghostheads cohost Julie and her daughter are in SERIOUS danger of losing their house, but YOU can help prevent it from happening, so Tumblr, as the saysing goes, SIGNAL BOOST THE FUCK OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

gunsequalrightsandfreedom:

I’ve heard Tumblr is great at making things happen. Share the fuck out of this.

Help my friend and cohost.

gunsequalrightsandfreedom:

I’ve heard Tumblr is great at making things happen. Share the fuck out of this.

intrepidprofessor:

blazepress:

Filming a rainbow when suddenly.

That’s intense, and awesome. 

intrepidprofessor:

blazepress:

Filming a rainbow when suddenly.

That’s intense, and awesome. 

whitetrashtiel:

the fact that they took the time to animate a gag reel is amazing

(Source: risaxrisa)

stunningpicture:

The days news, in one photo

  1. Camera: Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XS
  2. Aperture: f/3.5
  3. Exposure: 1/5th
  4. Focal Length: 28mm

becausebirds:

DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?